This is something that has bothered me for a looooong time. I have had many female friends over the years, and have plenty of female family members, and something almost all of them have in common is this imbedded passive-aggressiveness.
- Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by not talking openly about your thoughts or feelings, but rather finding ways to manipulate people or a situation without saying directly what it is you want. It allows you to play the victim, as well as stop from having to deal with any sort of direct confrontation. It’s damaging to relationships and personal mental health.
- Psychology Today: How to Spot and Deal With Passive-Aggressive People
Passive aggressiveness isn’t exclusive to women – men can use it just as well, but in my experience (both personal and through studying psychology) it seems a pretty safe bet to say that women are more likely to be passive-aggressive.
Why are women passive aggressive?
Like any complicated social, cultural, and psychological subject, there isn’t a black-and-white answer, but here are some of my thoughts:
Women are “trained” to “be nice”
Always. No exceptions.
You don’t tell someone you’re mad at them, because it wouldn’t be nice.
Nice girls don’t argue.
Nice girls smile and are accommodating.
Girls are sweet and nice.
Girls don’t fight. Boys fight.
From the time they’re old enough to socialize it seems like girls are taught to “be nice” above anything else. Boys are taught to be nice too, but it’s often more acceptable for them to fight it out, say how they feel in all its unpleasantness, and move on.
But girls are nice.
Or more to the point, it’s socially unacceptable for a girl to not be nice. An attitude that continues as she grows into adulthood.
If a woman doesn’t smile and be the socially-expected level of “nice”, she’s a bitch.
And when I say nice, I’m not talking about maturity and dealing with things in a rational way – which you’d think would be the definition of a “nice person” – oh no. When I’m talking about “nice girls” I’m talking about a status that any girl can lose as soon as she stands up for herself and says what she’s thinking, especially if its “not nice” to hear.
Why this passive-aggressive thought process needs to stop
Raising girls into women who are always trying to be accommodating, pushing their own feelings down, and leaving issues unresolved, is unhealthy for everyone involved.
You hear about guys complaining that girls don’t know what they want, or that “they never say what they really want” – that is a result of being raised to “be nice.”
Girls and woman may subconsciously feel repelled by any sort of direct conversation because it feels so close to being a “confrontation.” It can be downright scary because it’s such an unfamiliar way to do things. And scary = stressful. So, for many, speaking directly about what they’re feeling (women or men) can be so severely uncomfortable that they’d just rather not deal with it.
So guys, I hear you on that. But you can’t ask for a woman to say what she really thinks, then ignore her or get mad, and then expect her to do it again, or for her to not get frustrated.
But here’s the worst part of the passive-aggressive behavior we teach girls:
It affects our relationships with each other.
That’s what sucks the most. If I disagree with a girlfriend, or female family member, it feels like we can never get over it.
Either because
1) We won’t talk about it, we’ll just pretend it didn’t happen, even though we both know it did, and it still bothers both of us.
or 2) Because we’re so unequipped to have any conversation that isn’t “nice” that any attempt blows up into something way bigger and more hurtful than it needs to.
It took me a long time and very deliberate thought and practice to stop being passive-aggressive.
I never told anyone when I disagreed with something until it got to the point of a fight. I hinted everything.
When someone asked if I wanted to go to a movie, I’d let them choose, even if it was something I didn’t want to see – not because I just wanted to make them happy, but because I was afraid that saying I wanted to see something different would be a source of tension.
Disagreeing with anything, speaking up, saying “hey, I’d rather not” wasn’t “nice” so I wouldn’t do it.
Then guess who feels let down? Guess who feels like they did so much for everyone else and never got anything back? Guess who hints at everything and feels frustrated and let down when they don’t get what they want?
Yep. Me. I’ll own it.
It’s a martyr mentality. And it’s fucking exhausting.
It’s also something I had to choose to change consciously. No one could do it for me.
The type of communication everyone needs to be aiming for actually has a name: Assertive.
Being assertive means you address issues directly. It can seem blunt, and it is, but it’s good. You state exactly what the issue is, without blaming, and aim to solve the problem.
Like lots of things, assertiveness gets easier with practice, and is less threatening the more you’re exposed to it. Once you try being assertive, not passive-aggressive, you can see how infuriating passive-agressiveness can be.
I don’t like having to jump through hoops trying to accommodate someone who won’t just say what they want. In fact, I’ve stopped tolerating that completely.
If someone gets passive-aggressive with me I don’t respond by smiling and trying to tentatively find out what’s really going to make them happy.
I’ll ask them sincerely what they mean, over and over again, until they either come right out and say it, or they give up and walk away. I’m okay with them getting frustrated and walking out, because I’m not responsible for their happiness. I don’t feel the need to hang on to that moment of tension, or would-be argument. Once it’s done, I am now able to let it go.
Not for them, but for myself. I don’t have the time or energy to spend rehashing something that could be solved by simply having an honest conversation.
That doesn’t mean I don’t care.
It just means that after a while, people around me learn to come out and say what they’re really thinking, because otherwise they don’t get the response they want from me.
I’ve had to literally tell people how to talk to me – that if they want something from me they have an open invite to tell me, and that I want them to be straightforward with me.
Likewise, I’ve practiced being straightforward and calm when telling someone about a problem I have with them.
Staying calm when you’re frustrated can be the hardest part, but it can be done. I should mention that staying calm does NOT equal showing no emotion. You can show emotion, show that you’re frustrated, without aiming that at someone in a blaming way.
This is called being Assertive.
Assertive communication is much healthier than passive-aggressiveness, but can be shocking to others at first, and takes more work on your part than being passive-aggressive.
- Passive-aggressiveness is easy. It allows you to vent your feelings (in a very unhealthy way) and let you feel powerful, or like you’ve “gotten back” at someone, or made your point, without ever having to really talk it out. It’s unlikely anyone will call you on it because it’s hard to point out exactly what behavior was unacceptable. Passive-aggressiveness allows you to play the victim.
- Assertiveness means you have to be willing to listen to what others say, not just wait until you can fire back with your “better” point. And you have to be prepared that many people will be thrown off by assertiveness and react with anger to your candor.
- Assertiveness involves saying what you’re thinking in a calm, thoughtful way. It can be hard to do once you’re upset because when you’re upset it can be very tempting to just try to verbally jab or guilt-trip the person you’re upset with. That strategy might make you feel better for a minute, but it’s very damaging to relationships in the long run.
- Passive-aggressiveness, at its core, is just manipulative behavior. Not healthy. Not productive. Not acceptable. Both you and those in your life deserve better. And if they can’t handle your true thoughts and feelings, well… it may be a sign that you shouldn’t be spending so much time together.
- Assertiveness focuses on finding a solution to a problem.
- Passive-aggressivess involves making sure you “win” whether by forcing someone to concede to your points or by forcing them to treat you as a victim – which actually means everyone loses, because your relationships suffer each time this strategy is used.
The good news is Assertive Communication becomes much easier with practice.
Learning to communicate assertively also helps you keep your calm overall, because you speak your mind, telling others what’s bothering you, when it’s bothering you, rather than just letting it fester and getting increasingly angry at those who aren’t figuring out what you want, or doing what you want, without you talking about it directly.
So what do we do as a whole to help make the change to Assertive Communication?
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Realize what a waste of time being passive-aggressive is.
Being passive-aggressive requires you to hold on to anger and frustration. It requires you to keep your feelings buried. It requires you to scheme your way through relationships.
It requires SO. MUCH. WORK.
Let me tell you, once you let that go, and just tell yourself you’re going to stop using your energy on that, things get so much easier. You’ll still have disagreements – even very loud ones – but your focus is on finding a solution, listening, and not just trying to figure out how to tear everyone else down until you “win.”
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Start to practice assertiveness yourself.
You will, without a doubt, meet with resistance. People will not like it. Especially if you’re female. Assertiveness has become such an unusual thing for a woman to practice that it’s viewed as being “bitchy” or “bossy.” In a bad way.
You can be as calm as The Dalai Lama and people are still going to get mad at you for straight-up saying what you think and what you’re feeling.
But still, if you disagree with something, say so.
“I disagree.”
“I don’t like that.”
“I don’t want to do that.”
“That doesn’t sound like a good plan to me.”
“I’d rather…”
“I think…”
“I need…”
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Stop hinting
Don’t expect people to know what you want when you don’t directly tell them. Once you’ve told them, then the ball’s in their court. But let me be clear: You have no right to be mad at them for not guessing what you want, especially if it’s about something important.
If it’s important to you and affects your relationship (personal or business) then grow up and say something. Do the hard part – start the conversation.
So, you want someone to do something?
DON’T: “Maybe you could [something close to what you really mean] sometime?” This is way too close to hinting. It’s timid, and unclear how important it is.
DO: “I would really appreciate it if you did [insert exactly what you need]”
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Don’t condemn those who are assertive
If someone tells you what they’re thinking and feeling, directly, your first instinct may be to get mad, get offended, and stop listening.
Don’t do that. Recognize that having someone tell you directly what they are thinking is always better than them hiding it from you. Even if you don’t like the truth you hear, it is still the truth.
The truth isn’t always pretty, or nice, but otherwise all you’re left with is lies.
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”
-Gloria Steinem
Some links you might find helpful:
psychology today – 7 reasons why people use passive-aggressive behavior
