Christmas Eve, 2019

I am sad on Christmas Eve. Sad to be alone, to feel change wedging itself into my relationships, to feel unsure of how many will remain a couple years from now.

I don’t like change all that much. I like changes in scenery, not changes in relationships. I admire the people in my life, and am sad to think I may need to lose them.

It is bittersweet. I think it might need to happen but I am sad to see it happen. I’m, more often than not, concerned about my place in the world of those I admire. Not so much what they think about me, but if I am worthy of their time. If I bring anything to their lives. I suffer from a yet incurable bought of insecurity, which tells me that, no matter how much someone might express their happiness at my presence, I am ever so slightly not wanted.

So I am sad. On Christmas Eve. Or maybe I’m just lonely. But I’m not sure what would cure this loneliness. I have friends that I love, and that I do think love me. I don’t lack romantic relationships. And I don’t crave a romantic partner in particular tonight, as I sit alone, watching my dog inspect the presents under the tree.

Presents for family and friends, and from family and friends. I am not lonely. I have people. I know that. But I am lonely.

I am not depressed. I have been, I know what that feels like in myself. But I am sad.

I am reaching, feeling, for something. I’m not quite sure what it is. Whatever it is, it’s apparent by it’s ability to cause disquiet in my mind. A gap. A black hole. A cavern. An empty.

But not hopeless. Not draining. Not endless. Just empty. Just disquiet. Just uncertainty. I’m not sure what to do about this right now. So I write. Which is generally what I do when I don’t know what to do.

I decided a few years ago to remember the things I’m grateful for in order to keep myself from ever falling into a void of hopelessness.

I am grateful for my couch. I really like it. It’s faux leather, which is good since I have animals that like to sit on it. I found it at a thrift shop several years ago and it’s an item that I want to keep for a long time.

I am grateful for my dogs. I actually only have one, and he’s a gem. But right now there’s two more dogs living with me and they’re also gems. Weird and happy and curious about everything. They make loneliness much more bearable.

I am grateful for my organizational skills. Without them, I would have imploded this holiday season. But instead I thrive on getting stuff done.

I am grateful for my bed. Damn that thing is comfy. And I am tired. It’s a good combo.

I am grateful for my extra bass headphones. I know it’s not great for my eardrums, but getting lost in an all encompassing musical experience is the tits.

I am grateful for the people that allow me to be a part of their lives. Whether they know it or not, I appreciate it quite a lot. I’m not sure there’s anything nicer. I hope I bring something to theirs as well.

I hope you have a lovely holiday season. And tonight, a good night’s sleep.